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Finding Solace In A Diseased Heart And Finding Love In Acts Of Desperation... [entries|friends|calendar]
Nathan

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[3:27am|Tuesday September 28, 2004 ]
cuntshapedheart

New LJ. Add it or be disowned from my life.
1.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

The worst part is not knowing..... [9:05pm|Monday September 27, 2004 ]
[ mood | lost ]

Sometimes I wish I was brave. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could feel no pain. I wish I was young. I wish I was shy. I wish I was honest. I wish I was you not I. 'Cause I feel so mad, I feel so angry, I feel so callused. So lost, confused, again. I feel so cheap, So used, unfaithful. Let's start over. Let's start over. Sometimes I wish I was smart. I wish I made cures for how people are. I wish I had power. I wish I could lead.
I wish I could change the world for you and me.

TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

Chop my heart in half and disgard the evidence... [7:52pm|Monday September 27, 2004 ]
God, this is eating away at me. Please get online and talk to me. I feel hopeless with you upset with me. I can't take this. I don't know what to do. If I somehow lost you, I might as well be dead cause the last month that I've known you has been the best time of my life. Please, talk to me. I can feel the tears welling up. I need a distraction.
TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

....man, that kid made fuckin up look cool. [4:19pm|Monday September 27, 2004 ]
[ mood | at ease ]

I love Something Corporate.

"And so I fall. I don't want to feel this small. You know I just cant handle this, handle this at all. And I'll just fall. I let my heartbeat drop. I faulter as the music stops and you watch me as I stall and wonder when I fall."

7.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

Fuck you for leaving me. Fuck you for not needing me. I wanna say fuck you because i still love you [9:40am|Monday September 27, 2004 ]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

I wanna be good news for once. I want to be a high point in someones day as opposed to ruining their day per usual.

I'm sorry.

I should really be locked away from human contact. It would be alot better for everyone else if I wasn't around I suppose. Like it matters. Everyone I fucking like is mad at me sans Britney and Crystal.

Yeah, I'm a dick. I'm not attractive. I've grown to accept the fact that girls don't think im hot. Fuck them. I don't want to be what they think is hot. I like shitty pop punk. I think the new Senses Fail is amazing. I don't fucking care who knows it. I liked my hair long. I want it to be long again. I like being elitist about my music. Fuck you if you don't know who The French Connection was or you don't know who sang the line "the old gaurd is dead." This is me. Take it or fucking leave it. All I'm good for is causing pain and lowering self esteem. Fuck my heart. I don't need it. It does me no good. I no longer live by it's needs. THIS IS FUCKING ME AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, FUCK YOU! Don't put me down cause you don't like the way I live my life. It's my fucking life to live.

I feel in control of myself for the first time in a long time. Deal with it how you may.

Sam, are we still cool? It breaks what little feeling I have left in my heart to think I hurt you.

"If you don't like being hurt then please don't stay."

6.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

I'll be the reason you leave this city.... [4:32pm|Sunday September 26, 2004 ]
[ mood | better ]

I don't know how to explain what's going on inside my head right now. I'm not necisarrily angry as much as I feel decieved. Like it's all be one big lie. And that hurt's more than I could ever imagine. I don't know why I let this shit get to me. It's not my life to dictate. It's a good thing I still have feelings for you or else I'd be able to let this pass by without a blink and then I would be able to sleep at night. Then I would be able to have a normal day where it/you aren't on my my mind the whole time. I'd be able to not relate you to every fucking love song I hear. I hope he breaks your fucking heart to peices so maybe you can have an inkling of what i feel everyday and i hope you cry yourself to sleep every night and I hope when he does, you think of me.

</3 "KILL YOUR FRIENDS"

5.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

You're telling me to tell the truth even with my mouth sewn shut... [9:24am|Sunday September 26, 2004 ]
[ mood | drained ]

i feel the fire tonightCollapse )

I think I'm going to get this as the top of my sleeve on my right arm. Fud is 90% sure he's moving to Richmond, Virginia and I really want him to do my whole sleeve so hopefully I can get some money and get it done soon. I think this would be amazing as the entire top of my sleeve.

I feel like shit. Someone tell me something good about myself and cheer me up cause nothing seems to be working.

Britney, hang out after work tomorrow?
Sam, hang out Tuesday after school? Missy, too?
Pleeeeeeease??????

"You want nothing to do with me. I don't know what to do with you cause you don;t know what you do to me. Baby, is this love for real? Let me in your arms to feel the beating of your heart baby."

9.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

I'll always be by your side even when you're down and out... [5:00pm|Saturday September 25, 2004 ]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I want this weekend to be over. I want to just sit around and listen to CocoRosie for the rest of my life. Just me, my CD's, and my room. I'd be content. Fuck other people. I don't need this heartache anymore. I should just become a recluse.

"Board up the windows and blacken the walls. Best to consider me dead as well."

2.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

I wanna tear open your heart and love you and your disease.... [9:17am|Saturday September 25, 2004 ]
[ mood | tired ]

i wanna fuck you in your god hands when your praying bites the dustCollapse )

9.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

Im sorry it took me so long..... [2:06pm|Friday September 24, 2004 ]
[ mood | bored ]

I miss Sam and Missy and Crystal.

And B-Fresh. And I saw her last night.

I don't want to work this weekend. I know it's going to be bad.

My arms going to hurt, I'm going to miss Rosemary's moving picnic, I'm going to miss Sam and Missy at homecoming, I'm missing Deicide and Cattle Decapitation.

I want to go to NYC and see !!!. Anyone wanna go with me?

"When it's love, make it hurt."

And Missy is still amazing for being the only person who keeps me company when I'm online and bored.

2.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

Nothing gold can stay.... [1:48pm|Friday September 24, 2004 ]
[ mood | confused ]

and i just want your fucking voice out of my headCollapse )

I never thought one set of lyrics could explain everything i had inside my heart as well as this. I fucking love Converge. Thankfully someone else on Earth is as fucked up inside as I am.

TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

I don't want to feel like I've been wasting your time.... [2:04am|Friday September 24, 2004 ]
[ mood | angry ]

you're not telling me something i knowCollapse )


I really hate that I'm 22. I wish I was younger. I hate that every girl my age is a fucking lush. Fuck you if you drink. Fuck you if you smoke. I want none of it. I'm convinced I'm dying alone for this sole reason. I refuse to date anyone who smokes or drinks. I'm ok with the idea of dying alone now. At least I know I'm not getting cheated on by some drunk. "Have another drink and drive yourself home. I hope there's ice on all the roads and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windsheild." I have no compassion for anyone who thinks getting drunk or getting fucked up on a nightly basis is an answer to anything. Sorry, but you deserve dying in a car accident. You deserve your fucking lung cancer. You deserve everything you get. Have a wonderful old age when you're coughin up your fucking lung every day.

Sorry. I'm really pissed off and heart broken right now. I hate this fucking city. I cannot fucking wait to move. I'm too fucking good for this city. Britney and I will be hot somewhere else. I can't wait.

"I've got my hands around your neck and I'm squeezing them tightly. I feel you slipping away and your paleness it haunts me. You're weighing me down when you're here and when you're not around and I fear the sound, and the silence that we've found never really ever seems to be. Never really ever felt the need. Never really ever seems to be convenient for me. It was the greatest mistake and I complain but I failed you. Like a noose around my neck, you're holding me back and I can't breathe. I feel your pain and taste the blood. As furious as I can be, I'll call you bluff, I've had enough. You have my heart, you own my soul. I am infected by you. So hard to let you go... I fucking hate you."

15.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

You would kill for this, just a little bit... [10:19pm|Thursday September 23, 2004 ]
[ mood | happy ]

I got a new tattoo. It's fucking hot. Picture soon. Fud is amazing.

Britney, Jenn, and I we're crazy last night. It was so much fun. I got a camo magnet. We dressed tough. Britney and Jenn in mosh shorts and hoodies and bandanas and me in girls jeans and green polyester jacket. And moshed to Throwdown. I fucking love Britney and Jenn. We need to hang out more often. B-Fresh and Nate The Hate 4 Lyfe!

Work this weekend. Lame.

Sam and Missy, have fun at homecoming. Save me a dance. I have plenty of Minus The Bear and !!! and Head Automatica. We'll get down, straight gangsta.

1.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

Hangin moon, be my light in the world of darkness... [9:26am|Wednesday September 22, 2004 ]
[ mood | converge ]

I really want to hang out with someone tonight but I also have alot of work to do at my apartment. I should see if Britney wants to go get donuts when she get's off work and just chill for a little bit.

I bought IN HONOR: A Compilation to Beat Cancer yesterday. It's pretty good. Has an amzing piano and vocal only version of Exestenialism On Prom Night by Straylight Run and some other pretty cool rare songs.

And for those who don't know, Converge is the God of hardcore. Anyone who doesn't respect this fucking band should be kicked out of hardcore for life. Perment exhile. Any band that can go, what, 13 or 14 years and still be completely revolutionary and original should be held in the highest regard. I have a strong feeling that You Fail Me is their goodbye. Jane Doe was their swan song and this new disc is the end. Then again, Converge will probably be a band until someone dies. I hope so. I hope they are still doing what they do in 10 more years. I simply adore this band. They invoke so much in me. So much heartache and pain yet so much love and happiness at the same time. It's crazy. I love them. Plain and simple.

I get to see Samantha and Missy tomorrow. Be jealous. I get to hang out with hot girls.

"You fail me with every fatal crush. You fail me with every abandoned love. You fail me with your inferno. Fuck me."

4.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

[6:09am|Tuesday September 21, 2004 ]
<3Collapse )
TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

Why don't you just say it? You need me like a bad habit... [5:55am|Tuesday September 21, 2004 ]
[ mood | lonely ]

So, I feel really lonely right now. Morgan text me last night at work and told me she missed me. And I miss her so much. And I've been reading 'Woman' by Charles Bukawski and it's making me feel like shit and depressed, yet I can't stop reading it. It's like a soap opera. It's amazing. I just feel very alone for some reason. Maybe it's because I had an amazing weekend (minus my cell phone disapperance). I hate hanging out with Sam or Britney because the next day that I don't get to, I feel shitty. I love them to death. I wish I could see them everyday. There's something about them thats special that for some reason, no matter what is going on in my life and no matter what kind of mood I'm in, they can put a smile on my face. And that's rare. They own my heart.

I need a girlfriend. Bad.

"Staying up late listening to Miles Davis. You say it makes you want to fall in love."

PS - I'm getting a new tattoo Thursday. I can't wait. New tattoo and hang out with my lovely Samantha. Amazing.

2.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

I haven't been happy since... [4:24pm|Monday September 20, 2004 ]
[ mood | okay ]

I got my old phone turned back on which means there are alot of phone numbers I don't have so if I met you sometime after February, I don't have your number anymore. If you have text messaging, text me and Ill have your number. If not, you can either hit my up on myspace of post it here if you want or IM me at x6iron6maiden6x. Thanks.

1.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

Buried deep inside my chest are the letters you gave me .... [2:46pm|Monday September 20, 2004 ]
[ mood | dirty ]

FOR MY FRIENDSCollapse )

Yesterday I got my phone turned off. SHould have my old one turned back on today sometime. Went and picked up Britney and we went to Norwood to hang out with Samantha and Crystal. After taking the scenic route to find Crystal, we went to Tri-County and did nothing. Went to Shake It Records and I bought:

-Omar A. Rodriguez-Lopez "A Manual Dexterity:Soundtrack Volume One"
-Morrissey "Kill Uncle" used!
-and Thrice "The Artist In The Ambulane" for Sam cause I'm nice.

They had a bin full of free shit and I got an Alter Bridge CD. It's fucking funny. I got some Epitaph sampler and like 5 Rock Against Bush stickers and a Strokes button. After that we somehow found ourselves in the ghetto and Britney freaked out when she saw the Miami Dolphins tour bus. Then we went to the park and took pictures of me being retarded. Then we went to find Hell's Church or something and it was a bust. Took everyone home and I went back to my apt and watched Adult Swim and blacked out.

I love my friends. They're hot.

5.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

You've got an extra special heart.... [2:03am|Sunday September 19, 2004 ]
[ mood | fuck everything ]

Well, as of right not I have no cell phone or home phone and the only internet I have is at my dads so I'm pretty much fucked. It's a good thing no one ever wants to hang out with me except Sam and Crystal and Britney. I have no ones phone number anymore either. Or a camera. I hate my fucking life.

Also, I got hit in the hand by a 50 mph baseball. It's fucked. I can't feel my whole left side of the hand but I can move it so I know it's not broken.

I got my lip peirced.

"this may never start tearing out my heart."

6.SPREAD THEIR WINGS FAR ENOUGH♥TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

[8:47pm|Saturday September 18, 2004 ]
So, my cell phone either got stolen or lost somewhere but I don't have it anymore and im fucked so no one can get ahold of me whatsoever.
TO STOP THIS FALL FROM GRACE

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